Resisting The Stillness Within

Recently I stumbled upon this quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, 'What lies behind us and what lies before us, are tiny matters compared to what lies within us' and the irony of me struck me hard.

It was then that I wondered, fake as we are, do we even exist? How many of us unleash what our hearts and minds behold? How real are we?

Our real selves stashed away deep within, covered by layers of lies and deceit, unable to emerge for fear of the blemishes so shameful and of the fingers that are sure to point and the cruel smiles bestowed with such condescension.

What are we constituted of then, I ask?

Who is the person we all see in the mirror?

Could it be the shadow of the feelings our hearts beat on? 

Or is it the image of what is seen reflected in the world’s eye?

How deeply buried could we be, to not even feel the air that blows through the soil or the tremors that course through the land?

Deep enough, I think, to have forgotten what our true identities are, such that we are nothing more than hollow vessels named and moulded to fit the shroud tailored to please what should have never been consequential in the first place.

Photo Credits: Shahroz Hyder Arts

Another consequent question that pops in my mind is that, 'What the true definition of beauty is?' 

Is it dressing up all pretty and snapping gorgeous photos for the world to admire?

Does it lie in unblemished skin and magnificent tresses of hair?

Perhaps, some would look to more idealistic views of internal beauty and aim to achieve the satisfaction of being the 'ideal human being' to attain their definition of beautiful. 

Mayhap, the definition of beauty is in the joys of nature and the symmetrical perfection and unbelievable miracles we get to experience several times daily.

Or it could be that the definition is subjective to the eyes of the beholder. 

Does what one perceive dictate the beauty of any particular thing?

What may be beautiful to one person may be unappealing to another? 

Is that how it goes? 

I really do wonder at times.

So for once, let's just look past all these layers that we show to the world and discover our real being in between the wild forests that grow within us. For once, let's just hurl a stone in the deep stagnant waters of our being and resist the stillness that dwells within us.

Dear Diary, the Lyari gang war doesn't scare me anymore

This article was originally published here.

Day 1

Dear Diary,

Today, I was awakened to the thundering noise of gun fires and frequent gapped blasts once again.

Despite the fact that this is something very normal for us, the people living in Lyari, I still get scared. These horrific noises still send shivers down my spine and my heart sinks with ever boom. Every time I hear a gunfire shot, I wonder who has been slaughtered in this meaningless gang war going on.

Last night, an unknown bullet struck Sara’s father, our neighbour, and he died instantly. I could hear the poor girl screaming and wailing over the loss of her father. He was not just the only bread winner of his own family but also took care of six helpless sisters and an invalid brother.

Sara’s poor old grandmother kept cursing the ruthless and heartless culprits for displaying such barbarity. This incident has frightened me even more. I’ve been clinging to Baba since then. I haven’t let him step out of the house even once. I fear I might lose him if I let him do so and that adds on to my agony.

Now it’s time to sleep. I’ll get back to you tomorrow.

Yours,

Tania

 Day 2

Dear Diary,

Today was one of the best and worst days of my existence.

It was the worst because the bullets went sweeping past the windows, the gaps between those blasts became less frequent and the hurried movements of the gunmen shook the earth, the core of the neighbourhood trembled and the air echoed with gunfire.

I have never felt more horrified. My heartbeat increased so fast that I thought my heart would break through my ribs and come out. I began weeping. I felt worse than a war captive.

But you know what the best part was?

Today Baba finally decided that he cannot live in this warzone anymore! We’re finally moving to another place, a more peaceful neighbourhood. I can’t even begin to tell you how happy I am.

I might not be able to talk to you as often since from tomorrow onwards, we begin hunting for our new home.

Good Night.

Lots of love,

Tania

Day 10

Dear Diary,

Eight days have passed since I last wrote to you.

Today I want to tell you everything that happened in these last few days but I am blank. Completely expressionless. I have fallen short of words. I want to cry but my eyes have dried up. I want to scream but a lump is struck in my throat.

You must be wondering where I was, right?

Maybe I was busy with the house hunt? Or maybe shifting?

No, I wasn’t busy because of either reason.

I was busy because of the guests that had been coming and going back and forth.

I was busy helping my family survive this crisis.

I was busy because I’m supposed to be a survivor.

I was busy because Baba died.

Yes, my father who meant the world to me died. Baba died. And with him died everything; my fear, my anxiety, my hopes, my dreams and everything else. I died with him. The gunfire doesn’t scare me anymore.

You must be wondering what happened to Baba, right?

The same thing that happened to Sara’s father; he was hit in the head by a stray bullet and died instantly.

Remember I told you I didn’t let him step out of the house?

I didn’t display an inch of leniency. So, he stepped out of the house at dawn, while I was still asleep, to get bread and butter for breakfast. Before stepping out, he told my mother,

“Let me get it done before Tania wakes up or else she’ll keep clinging to my sleeves and won’t let me step out.”

I don’t want to live anymore. I feel like my world is empty without him.

What good did this gang war do to us?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The government could have prevented the loss of so many valuable human lives but what did they do?

Again nothing. Oh wait, they did do something.

They ‘condemned’ it. Why don’t they realise that condemning is something they should leave to us, the ordinary people, and instead they should take some action so that no more Saras and Tanias lose their fathers. Giving us a huge sum of money doesn’t replace the affection and love of our father.

I dont want their dirty money.

I just want my Baba back!!

Can their ‘condemning’ the attack bring Baba back?

No!

They have to realise that this is the time to do something and they need to take some positive steps. They have to. Because if they don’t, soon enough, there may be no one left to save.

Yours,

Tania